Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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