burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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