Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
