It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
