they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
