I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
