someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Life is so much better after having sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
