Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
