SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
