I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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