we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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