Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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