Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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