i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
