Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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