my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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