i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
