Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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