i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
