I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
