Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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