saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
