How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
