Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
