she looked like the before picture.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
