went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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