Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Edward fifth and chaser hands
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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