I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
