I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
