clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
