I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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