maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
