well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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