Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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