My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
