this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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