Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
