What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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