$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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