My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
