i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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