I love black thongs
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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