I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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