Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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