Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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