they said they heard you say put it in my butt
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
