You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So much Jack, so little girl.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
