Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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