Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
