I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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