Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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