I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
