Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
