Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
