i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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