oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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