Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
