Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
